The Other Woman

I hate dogs. Never liked them and I’m unlikely to ever do so. Although, a huge percentage of my dislike for these creatures stems from fear, I’ll also be the first to admit that I find some of their habits quite disgusting! All the slobbering and drooling dogs do, leaving their thick spittle dragging for miles as they lick their owners, is something I find utterly nauseating.

Despite my deep seated dislike for these animals, there is one character trait we have in common. Loyalty. I have many faults, but loyalty is something I have had ingrained on my heart since my conception took place in my mother’s womb. Sometimes my loyalty is blind, especially when a family member is concerned. No matter how far you stretch or cut the situation, I will stick with my blood. As with all seemingly good attributes, you would expect that you are in someway compensated, that the universe in some way, seeing your pristine loyal nature would surround you with people with similar traits. This, as experience has taught me, is not necessarily the case.

Maybe it’s just me. But all my life I have wanted to meet someone who was only interested in being with me. A man whose smile beamed brightly as soon as he saw me enter a room. Someone whose eyes, heart and mind was directed only at me and who was beyond content with my best and patient with my flaws, loving me entirely for being me. I am yet to find him, but I will tell you all now, I am losing patience waiting for him but more importantly I am losing hope that he even exists.

Since I moved to Lagos, all I have found are men who are either married or men who got engaged the week before. It really is becoming ridiculous. Personally, aside from all reasonable moral arguments, I find it difficult to see myself as the other woman. I am a possessive creature and I love being the centre of my man’s attention. So how can I knowingly allow him to divide this attention between me and another or even possibly 3 or 4 others? Tufiakwa! My brain and heart would implode simultaneously! So, for my own sanity, I have decided to wait for what is mine, regardless of the length of the wait. But every once in a while, I come across a situation that threatens to tear my resolve into shreds.

Precisely one week ago, a friend of mine came over to see me with his friend, Demola. We all chatted and laughed and it really was a pleasant visit. Before they left Demola took my details and called me later on that evening. We spoke for a bit and continued to communicate throughout the week. On Friday, he suggested we meet up for drinks and I agreed. Now, I probably should say here that prior to our scheduled Friday meet, I had absolutely no interest in Demola. He wasn’t my spec in the slightest. He was short and spoke with a slight lisp, but more importantly all through our discussions he had never asked me if I was seeing anyone. That for me was a strong indication that one way or the other he had no interest in progressing our burgeoning friendship further. But during our meet, I found Demola to be quite the gentleman. Not only was he polite and sweet, he was also profoundly intelligent – something I find quite irresistible. We talked endlessly about complex ideas and ideologies and I could see he was a driven guy who took deep pride in the man he had become. I became instantly attracted to that particular quality in him. But as the night progressed, and Demola’s compliments on my looks increased, at no time did he ask if I was in a relationship. So I decided to take the plunge myself and I asked him if he was seeing anyone. True to my suspicions, he was in a long term relationship and was even thinking of proposing to his babe in the coming months. As I drove home after the date, I kept thinking to myself, so what on earth do you want with me? Don’t I resemble someone that deserves to be in a long term relationship? Abi dem write ‘sloppy seconds’ for my forehead? The more I thought about it the angrier I got!

So I did what I always do. I called my brother from another mother and narrated the whole story to him. As usual his perspective on things shocked me. “Glory, why do you always see things in black and white”, he asked me. “Just because this guy says he has a babe does not mean you can’t date him too, after all he hasn’t actually proposed to his babe. How do you know they won’t break up in a few months”. He went on to say that I need to stop dealing with guys on a ‘straight cut’ basis, because men rarely think in that way and sited numerous examples of guys who ended up marrying the ‘other woman’ even though they had been dating someone else for donkey years! I protested. I explained that not only was it unfair on the other woman, I also deserved to be more than number 2, 3 or 4. He told me I was probably the last person on earth who still thought that way and we agreed to disagree.

I guess at the end of the day, I am at a cross roads. While, Demola and I will remain just friends, I find myself wondering if I am being unnecessarily naïve about this loyalty thing. On one hand, I am inclined to believe that regardless of the examples around me, there are still plenty rewards for patience. It’s a difficult stand to take but what is the alternative? Remain ‘miss sloppy seconds’ for the rest of my life, continually begging to receive the remnants of another woman’s left over attention and affection? God forbid! I deserve more than that! But on the other hand, I can not help but wonder what the point of sitting and waiting patiently for a bus is, when every one behind you has run ahead and entered the bus before you. What if this man with a one dimensional attention span does not exist? I may have to lay out a mat at this bus stop and build a shade to protect me from the rain! What do you guys think? Am I really the only woman left that refuses to be the other woman?

This article was published on Bellanaija.com in January 2011