I Made my Rapist Breakfast

Rape has become a staple conversation on almost every discussion platform. From India, the US and even Nigeria, no country is immune to the issues that surround these heinous crimes and the countless victims affected. I came across this article on thenakedconvos.com and thought it captured superbly not only the internal shame and struggles faced by victims but also how our society (you and I) continue to criminalize these victims instead of the offenders.

My friend Ada told me about 4 years ago, crying profusely and shaking all over, that she had been forced by a guy to give him a blowjob after they went clubbing in Benin. She had been raped. At first I found it strange. Was she really raped? I asked if he had beat her or held her down. She said no. She had just told him no but he kept pushing her head down for almost an hour until she gave in. I asked why she didn’t bite him and run. She said she just couldn’t, she felt afraid, ashamed, powerless and guilty. I didn’t understand. I blamed her for not fighting. For not screaming. For not resisting.  Because I knew she liked to flirt a lot. Because she dressed a bit too sexually and never followed me to Bible study. Because most of us would think we would have fought back or screamed. Because that is a good story. That is the kind of victim we want to see. To hear of. That is the easy story. We like easy stories. I wanted an easy story. But reality is not easy.

A year later, I was sexually assaulted by one of my closest guy friends. That was when I understood what she had felt. Fear. Shame. Powerlessness. Betrayal. Guilt.

Most girls that have been raped never come forward. Because of the stigma and the blame.

Her skirt was too short!

Why didn’t she cover her breasts?

Why did he go to his uncles house alone?

Why did she drink alcohol?

Why was she dancing with him like that?

Why did she not scream?

Girls of nowadays are too sexual, anyway.

Shebi I told her not to go out with that boy?

She deserved to be raped.

He deserved to be raped. 

Sure, everyone should be as careful as they can and use caution when going out or exposing themselves to danger if they are in a situation or location that makes them vulnerable. That is Victim Factoring. Understanding your situation and if something occurs, accounting for it. Victim Factoring comes before any incident occurs and is no longer an issue afterwards. But Victim blaming is different. The problem with Victim Blaming is that all these thoughts distract from the real problem: There are people in the society who cannot control themselves.

If a sheep was attacked by a wolf, would you blame the sheep for being too delicious? Do you see the police blaming a man for building a house in Lekki if he is robbed? Does anyone blame a commuter for getting on a bus to go to work if it has an accident? No. Life comes with risk. Anyone can be raped as long as there are rapists out there. Don’t think that just because you don’t wear short skirts, you cannot be a victim. If all women started wearing long skirts today, then the men who cannot control themselves – the rapists – would still find and rape those who didn’t cover their hair or their wrists, or were showing their neck or whatever. As long as there are predators, there is a problem in society and it is the predators that should be addressed, not the victims. As long as victims are blamed, we will continue to hide. To write anonymously. But victims should always be helped, not blamed. Mothers need to stop blaming their daughters. Friends need to stop blaming each other. No means no for everyone.

NO ONE IS GUILTY FOR VIOLENCE COMMITTED BY PREDATORS ON THEIR BODY, MIND, AND SPIRIT. THIS VIOLENCE HAPPENS BECAUSE THE PREDATOR TAKES ADVANTAGE OF HAVING GREATER POWER IN A SITUATION AND MISUSES THAT POWER.

As we fight to protect our daughters, let us also raise sons that would not rape someone else’s daughter.

– Anonymous.