5 Things you should Never say when Arguing with your Partner

So there is the wrong way to have a fight and then there is a right way to have one. When there is a disagreement or you feel offended by your partner, the best way to resolve the situation is to communicate this to them. But sometimes, try as you might, fighting seems inevitable. Tempers flare, harsh words are said and the problem remains unresolved.

We’ve all been there. A silly fight about being late or not returning a call, and before you know it, you are screaming at the top of your voice and blasting obscenities at a 100miles per second. Yes. Fights with romantic partners and spouses are the worst. We say things we don’t mean or things we shouldn’t have said in that tone. Even if you were initially not the offender, you’ve lost the battle (and the war) because all the hurtful things said have left an indelible imprint on your partners mind.

To make sure you avoid this happening, here are 5 things to definitely avoid saying when having an argument with your partner-

1. Starting a sentence with you always or you never: Saying things like ‘you always put me down’ or ‘you never say you love me’ immediately puts your partner on the defence. Instead of hearing your actual grievance what you are actually communicating is that they aren’t doing ANYTHING right, which isn’t what you are trying to say. Instead say something like- When you don’t tell me I look nice I feel bad or it hurts my feels when you talk to me in that tone. Articulating your feelings that way helps your partner understand exactly what he is doing without putting them on the defence.

2. Using anything your partner shared with you when they were vulnerable: So this is a big killer especially with women. During a fight, its all about who can draw the most blood. We want our partner to feel our pain and we believe the only way to do this is by saying something that will hurt them. The problem with doing this is it breaks trust. And it may be difficult for your partner to feel safe enough to be vulnerable with you in the future.

3. Calm down/stop acting crazy!: Personally this is my pet peeve. No one ever feels calmer when they are told to calm down, infact sometimes it infuriates and aggravates the situation. Telling your boyfriend or spouse to calm down or stop acting crazy, minimises their feelings and can create the impression that you don’t understand why they are upset. Even if this is true-it does not help to communicate this to them at that time. Instead find a way to acknowledge their feelings. Start by saying something like, ‘I understand you are upset, but let’s talk about this…’

4. Why can’t you be more like so and so: Nobody likes to be compared with someone else and trust me when I say your partner hates it even more. Comparing your partner sends the message that you may not feel they are good enough. It affects self esteem and breeds resentment. Instead of saying ‘why can’t you be more like Tayo’s husband, he always takes her out to dinner’. Say something like ‘I wish you would take me out to dinner more, it’s a really great way for me to bond with you’.

5. Any form of name calling or insults: Just like our normal friendships and day to day relationships, insults are a no go area. They detract from the real reason for the argument and all you do is end up creating unnecessary friction and harmful energy.

Do you have other examples of things to avoid saying during a fight, please share in the comments section.